I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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