I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
