Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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