respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
