Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
