His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
