Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
