My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
