I like my sex mixed with concussions.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
