So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
