oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
