The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
