Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
