im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
