I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
