my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
tell me about the eggs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
