Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
