Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
