I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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