whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
