I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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