and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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