Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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