Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
