we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't turn off my feet"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
