so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
