Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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