was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
