Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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