and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
