Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
