Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
my poor anus
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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