Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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