i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
