Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dick very happy bro
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
