the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
