you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
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I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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