my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
