I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
