Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
