The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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