i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
