So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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