We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
