I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
