Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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