I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
