Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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