I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
