Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
