Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize