He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
