I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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