just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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