I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
