Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
