If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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