Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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