dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
