Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
