theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
